Recently a lovely girl came in to my store Chelsea Girl with her mom.  She  looked to be in her late teens or early twenties and was over-the-top effusive about our vintage merchandise.  After speaking for a while, she told me she was in the area because she was going to attend a local school for prosthetic make-up.  This made me very excited because I love prosthetic make-up and have, in fact, been thinking about how I might find a fake nose to wear around the store when things get slow.  I also wanted to do some character work that would require a different nose, so this seemed fortuitous.

Excitedly, I emailed Alison about hooking me up with an alternate proboscis.  Given her level of enthusiasm, I was a bit surprised when she didn’t respond.  When I emailed her a second time and heard nothing, I realized it was getting rather humorous so I decided to run with it (or, should I say, let it run?)  Here is how the whole nose thing went down.

September 17, 2010

Hi Alison,

Do you remember me from Chelsea Girl?  You came into my store a few weeks ago with your mom and told me that you were studying prosthetic make-up.  I was wondering if you or someone you know could make me a fake nose at an affordable price.  I think it would be good to have around!

Many thanks,

David

P.S.  It doesn’t have to be a Streisand or Jimmy Durante nose.  I’m flexible.

September 28, 2010

Dear Alison,

I emailed you about a week ago regarding my interest in a prosthetic nose.  (I’m the guy you met at Chelsea Girl – the vintage clothing store on Spring Street).

I understand you might be quite busy, but Halloween is quickly approaching and that is the time of the year I would get the most use out of said nose.  If you’re schedule is, ahem, congested, perhaps you might consider referring me to someone at the school who could make my nose?  On second thought, because I don’t have a specific concept in mind (scratch what I said in the store about Barbra Streisand, Durante, and Karl Malden).  Maybe someone has an old nose laying around that they could sell me at a fair price?  Like I always say, “Why have a nose sitting on the shelf when you can profit from it?”

Although I would prefer the nose to be big, I would really be happy with anything that is different than my own nose, which holds its own but is really rather non-descript.  So you can see, most any nose will suit me.

I hope to hear from you soon!

David

October 4, 2010

Alison:

This is the third time I am reaching out to you regarding getting my hands on a nose.  Frankly, I’m completely confused and somewhat exasperated.  When you came into the store you couldn’t have been more solicitous.  In fact, I would say that you even encouraged me to pursue a collaboration with you on this project.  With Halloween breathing down my neck, this has become a matter of great urgency and anxiety.  Tell me, Alison, how can I possibly plan a costume without a nose?  A  new nose is the very nexus from which the entire character, the entire costume will germinate.  No less an artist than Orson Welles believed he could not find a character without a nose and when it comes to noses, I’m with Orson.

What really disappoints me is your failure to even respond to my emails.  You have treated me with the dismissiveness I generally associate with those who annoy us, like robocalls and creditors.  If prosthetic make-up is truly your life and your passion, why be so dismissive?

Alison dear, you seem like a nice girl, but this is your last chance and my final effort on what remains of the prospect of a proboscis.  If I don’t hear back from you by Wednesday at noon I will be forced to look for a nose someplace else.  What a shame, as I was hoping to branch out to other parts of the face with you.

I remain,

David

You may also enjoy:

What’s in a Nose? Part Two: The Orson Welles Proboscis

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