MAY 19, 2010

This morning on the train, I counted at least five gentlemen in my car who were wearing shoes that were variations on these square-toed monsters—the Godzilla of loafers. This got me to thinking that  I could be of great service and, indeed, it would be an act of selflessness if I used the bully pulpit of my blog to send a clear message of square toe reform to heterosexual men everwhere.  Straight men of the world, it simply comes down to this:  STOP WEARING SQUARE-TOED LOAFERS!  It is not 2002, when they were a hip alternative to traditional round-toed shoes (for about a minute), and it is not 2022, when they might possibly look retro and hip.  It’s 2010 and your feet are screaming “don’t blame me I just do what he says!”

Fellas, take this advice that I give to you like a brother:  THEY JUST LOOK BAD!  If you believe, as I do, that your clothing sends a message about who you are, the message people get from these shoes is that you sell bottled water or bubbles at the entrance to the Holland Tunnel.

If you prefer, I can put this in Dr. Seuss terms: “You should not wear them on a train, you should not wear them in the rain.”  And for the love of God, don’t wear them to a job interview because there is a good chance that the person interviewing you will be a woman or a gay man, in which case YOU’RE FUCKED!  You will not walk home with a spring in your step as you’d hoped, but with a sad shuffle that looks like a limp from a distance, which is where fashion-forward women you’d like to date are laughing at you.  If you are familiar with 1967’s Je’mappelle Barbra—which you definitely ARE NOT if you are wearing square-toed loafers—then you know that in France when one is walking sadly, they say  “he walks Clopant Clopant.” which is not good at all but, happily, easily avoided by being more mindful about the shape of your shoes!

So guys, don’t walk “Clopant Clopant!”  And remember – you must not wear them on a plane and if you lose the job then don’t complain!