Dear Stargayzers:  In a completely transparent and crass attempt to boost the readership of #Stargayzing by joining the army of self-referential hashtag harpies, here are my thoughts on three trending topics including #MichelleObama’sbangs, #Lance Armstrong’slies, and the #newseasonofAmericanIdol.  Apparently, my recent pieces about Totie Fields and George Burns, lovingly written as they were, somehow failed to go viral, so I’m taking some direction from my friend Jessica Gottlieb, one of the most successful bloggers in the country and giving some space to things that people ostensibly care about.  #sellout.

Michelle Obama’s bangs:  Obviously this is, ahem, headline news—the first lady celebrated her 49th birthday by changing her hair.  Hm.  Well, I totally understand wanting to mark milestones by changing things up a bit.  I do it every morning when I choose my outfit.  There is not much I can add to this dialogue, except to say that what the N.R.A. did by dragging her two children into the debate about gun control is unconscionable.  Sorry, I drifted back to something that interests me.  Oh wait, I thought of something else that interests me about bangs: Cher tweeted two weeks ago that she was “getting up at 6:00 A.M. to cut bangs.”  Is this a trend?  #earlymorningbangs.

Lance Armstrong confesses drug use to mother superior Doprah:  It could be argued with some credibility that with this interview Oprah’s network OWN is doing the same thing Lance Armstrong did: injecting a performance enhancing drug.  I’m so over Lying Lance and his one big ball, but I continue to be fascinated by Oprah’s role in our culture as a sort of Priestess that people publicly confess to.  In true Spike Lee fashion, I didn’t see the interview, though I did watch a short clip.  This whole dance is about selling things: newspapers, magazines, advertising and eventually a memoir from the disgraced athlete in his continuing bid for redemption.  Blech!  Personally, I don’t want anything to do with it, it makes me feel yucky.  Why do we as a culture want to be complicit in this completely predictable cycle of events that enables people to profit by misbehaving?  #sellebrity

Which leads me to American Idol.  Any pretense that this show is about music is absurd.  Even 12 seasons ago this show said much more about TV than it ever could about pop music, serving primarily as a halfway house for tired artists on their way to spend their sunset years in Vegas.  This whole conflict between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj is obviously being manipulated and inflated as large as Mariah’s breasts and Nicki’s ego to serve as a flotation device for a tired, old show.  I guess this is fun the way watching Renee and Drita on Mob Wives is fun.  I’ll take reruns of Stairway to Stardom and an ice cold can of Tab over Mariah and her glass of Coke any day.  And poor Keith Urban!  Stuck between two maniacs who look like pin-ups but have the mentality of junior high school girls.  #bitchyqueen

So was that more satisfying than a piece about Greta Garbo?  Let me know!

You may also enjoy:  Wasn’t it Woody Allen Who Said, “Those Who Can’t Do, Teach, Those Who Can’t Teach, Host American Idol?”  or, The Deterioration of Do, Re, Mimi